I’m a pusher Cady, I push people

I’m a pusher alright. Saying that makes me think of someone in labor. Anyway does any one else push everyone away? I think that’s why I low-key want to move away all the time, so I can drive a bigger wedge in between me and THEM.

To my friends: I’m not going to invest a lot of anything in you because you probably see me as disposable, and therefore will drop me as soon as you find out that the girl you thought was super cool, is actually super insecure and sad. She’s gonna have a really hard time keeping a connection with you because her anxiety is gonna leave her in a mess of frazzled nerves. Oh, and don’t worry I’ll make sure to put you through “tests” to find out if you will stay because that’s what people love to do in their spare time right?

To any guys/love interests: I’ll be myself for the first few days, mostly because I’m nervous and I cant pretend to be the other Cheiyenne. We will connect well enough , but after a week passes I’m going to start feeling awkward because I won’t know how to be “chill” anymore. I’m gonna obsess over the fact that I’m not the same Cheiyenne you met a week ago and wonder how long you will put up with my insecurities before you bolt. I will also lose faith in myself and assume that you will find someone better, but at the same time hoping you don’t go anywhere.

To my family: Boy, I feel the worst for you guys. You have to live with me and see my erratic mood swings. You get to live with a hermit who will show very little enthusiasm when you come home because I want to “be alone” but really I’m just pushing you away because you care about me. You care enough to ask how I am, and you’re always saying nice things which makes me think that you’re lying. God forbid you hurt my feelings at all because it gives me an excuse to put up a wall. Because being a close knit family feels gross and unrealistic in my head.

To my casual acquaintances: I hope you cash me on a good day because if you don’t I will most likely act brand new. Mostly because I feel weird when I have not seen someone in a while and I don’t feel like entertaining you with the Cheiyenne you’re used to because I’m too depressed on the inside. Also I feel like you don’t like me anyway so whats the point right? lol

To my body: I’m sorry that I intentionally hurt you by eating bad, and keeping you locked away in your room. I’m sorry that I don’t take care of you the way I should. I’m sorry for all the stress and the fact that I don’t let you rest. I’m sorry that I allow people to violate you who have no right to.

Maybe I’ll try a therapist again lol

My Starbucks Story

Today I’m sad. When I first moved to Deer Park to live with my grandparents it was hard to find my place in this small town. I was able to enroll myself into school and get myself a job at the Starbucks right up the street from me. I remember I would go up there everyday until the manager finally hired me. I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue a lot at that store, but I also made some very good friends there. The relationships I have with my coworkers are seriously unique to any other place I have ever worked at. Everyone was passionate about Starbucks, wanted to make it better, and I wanted to be apart of that. I quickly built on my skills and poured a lot of my heart into that place. Before I knew it a year and a half had passed and I was still in love with it all. There was a boy that always came to Starbucks, then eventually worked there, and I fell really hard for him. Things were not so pleasant in the end between us, but even after he quit working there he would still come every day. I’ve gotten another job since then that allows me to work at Starbucks on the weekend and after a few months of this I feel like i need to quit. This boy somehow still triggers some part of me every time I see him. He intermingles with all of the coworkers that I have friendships with and still keeps it apart of his life. Starbucks is hard to let go of. Most baristas always say “you’ll be back” after someone quits in an angry rage, but soon enough they come back with an application in hand and the look of remorse smeared across their face. The relationships you can cultivate there, the work family that you have is really special. You suffer together, you laugh together, you complain together, and you celebrate together. I feel like it’s time for me to go. My place in that little family is starting to dissapear, and it brought tears to my eyes to admit that I knew it was my time. I tried to hold on to the little bit that I could, but its time to let it go. I’ll be thankful for the rest that will come my way and that I will not have to see that boy ever again. But I will miss the experience. I was damn good at being a barista too, but I’m not needed there anymore.

you’re wasting you’re time.

How? Why would you assume that?

Mind: Because you sleep all day and do not do the things that you said you were going to.

Yes. I guess I don’t have any expectations of myself…

I miss school I wanna go back it helped me build such great confidence when I finally started to see the grades I wanted, it was such a rush, but when I see things not flourishing or making sense that confidence goes away and I turn into the person I was in high school and even before that.

School was something I always hated and ran from. I always felt behind on every curve and I was either too scared to use my assets or to insecure but I let myself go to waste.

I like doing things on my own and when i can do things on my own and see the results I want Im just over the moooooooooooonnnnnnnn 🙂

I’m just having bad day…

Sometimes I’m tired, I don’t feel like fighting anymore. It just seems like it never gets easier. Why does it never get easier? WHY does it never get better? Why is it always out to get me. I’m sick of being grateful, and smiling and being nice and having to talk to people and pretending that I like being here. I’m sick of having to always rescue myself, I’m sick of having to be strong all the time, I’m sick of it and honestly some people have it way worse. I’m just having a bad day.

Chewing Gum

I can feel depression sneaking up on me. Like that tickle I get in the back of my throat before a cold, or the slight tinge of humidity before a storm. I felt it today, so hard. I felt all the old useless emotions that I threw into the recycle bin gurgle back up into my brain, and start to embed in the lumpy tissue. I hate how brains seem to never get rid of anything no matter how much time has passed, or how much kpop I’ve busied myself with to forget it. There is always some archeologist in my head that digs, and scraps, and brushes until it finds all those unwanted buried things. Bad habits, horrible feelings, embarrassing moments, heart wrenching memories, even old stories I used to tell yourself, so that I would feel better about what I did or didn’t do. And it’s triggered by the darndest things. A smile, a slick remark, a mean person, a billboard, or when I start over daydreaming ugh. There’s even those days where a hurricane comes pile driving through my soul, and literally wreaks havoc on it. The next day I’m left torn apart, so afraid to mess with the fragile pieces. Sometimes I’m not afraid, and I use delicate hands to heal my spirit. I have long conversations with myself, I write, I sing, I dance, I cry oceans and seas, I recreate who I think I should be. After this I feel alive, and I feel free. I can trust myself completely without question, say all the right things, and make the best choices. Life becomes so very simple. It becomes so happy and peaceful. I can feel my heart turn into a little fluttering bird that flaps excitedly with any hint of joy. I become pure, and I do everything without ill intentions. I just do not know what changes, it seems after only a few blissful days I stumble back into depression. It always gets me over and over again. Whoever is giving depression so many hours needs to stop. Go use your vacation days already. I go through so many metamorphoses, so many transformations. Layers and layers of new ideas and thoughts piled on top of each other. Somehow this always reminds me of chewing gum. Once the current piece gets old I always shove a new stick into my mouth to elongate the flavor. I want that flavor of happiness all the time, and by now it’s just some colorless robust gumball that’s too cumbersome to chew. It’s hard, but I still try to add more things, a red stick, a green stick, a purple stick, mystery flavor (wth lol). I still keep chewing, and getting small glimpses of that awful cherry bubblegum that I wish I did not taste. Why do I keep chewing? Why do I put my jaws through this? Chewing gum is a bad habit.

Chips

If the world consited of talking chips instead of people I think I would be the plain chip. The chip that has no salt, chesse, or flavor.  I always try to add a spice maybe some seasoning, but the only problem with that is it never lasts. It always comes off in a few days. Im always super safe I do not cross the line I stand back and draw another one as a warning. Theres no fun in that, I’m no fun. I just know how fragile chips are, and i don’t wanna take any chances whatsoever. Is that anyway to live life? Probably not. Because of this I grew up having NO SOCIAL SKILLS NONE! I feel like I still have a child like perspective on things involving relationships. Help me…..

Happiness is hard

Happiness is hard work man!

You have to learn to isolate your own needs, then hone in on those needs, and finally respect them. I love a clean room, but I have to remeber to respect my needs enough to do it everyday even when I really do not feel like it.

The same dilema occurs with working out, reading, writing, and driving I have to find time to do things that either make me happy, or will lead to happiness. Sometimes things are hard to do, but you keep reminding yourself of how happy you will be later on in life.

It’s true a lot of people find comfort in being miserable, thats why so many of us are depressed and such. Just Do, create, DO, just keep DOing thats the secret. The secret to happiness.