Dexter’s Lab

I love the show Dexter!

Not the throwback of the kid in the laboratory, but the undercover psychopath that kills bad people.

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One of my BIGGEST pet peeves in life is UNFAIRNESS, I love for things to be fair and square. This is exactly what Dexter does. He gives these bad people what they gave to others. He does things to them that other people wouldn’t have the balls, conscious or stomach for.

And there was a word mentioned on the show, the word Antisocial Personality Disorder.

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Naturally, I looked it up and low n’ behold these were traits that an ex I once dated possessed. He told me about his traumatic life and I realized he’s a lot like Dexter. He feels empty, and hes just looking for something to fill the hole.

But…instead of filling his hole with unsightly victims, he tries to fill it with women, and one of those women happened to be me, Victim numberprobably lost count.

Even after I asked him, and questioned him about dating I was convinced that I could let my guard down. My co-workers knew, my friends knew, his ex knew, and when it all crumbled away in just 2 short months I felt excruciating embarrassment. And the worst part was everyone still loved him. They did not have to see the side I saw. To them, he was the sunshine in the fucking sky. He didn’t feel any remorse, no sadness. He even got mad when I wouldn’t treat him like everyone else, and again I got a glimpse of the mean side, that only I got to see.

Eventually he got a new girl and carried on his life like normal. It felt like he was rubbing it in my face. I wanted him to feel the pain I did. But he doesn’t feel emotion or remorse, it doesn’t affect him.

I wish I could be a Dexter, that would set that shit straight. People always get away with hurting others emotionally because there is not consequence, but that shit hurts. Invisible wounds that you are supposed to brush off while the ones who caused those wounds, they get to live out their lives without feeling a thing.

I wanted to stab him in the leg while looking him dead in his eyes. I could watch him curse and scream. 

“There now there’s a hole that REALLY needs to be filled,” I would say,

His eyes might water, and his face would turn red. And he would finally know how it felt. He would finally pay for his crime against me. And every time he looks at his leg there would be a scar to remind him not to use people to fill himself up, like others are concrete. Not to pretend to be something hes not. Not to manipulate and misguide. Not to be a liar. To play FAIR. And when the police would come because he pressed charges I would simply say;

“He cant feel pain on the inside, so he had to feel it on the outside. He uses people and he deserves it.”

The police would agree and the world would be in balance once again.


Anyway who’s side would you be on?


-Dexter for a Day



Did we just become best friends?

So I have a special friend in my life who I know is my best friend. All of my doubts about her are gone and I truly do love her. I can be my insecure self and she accepts it. She helps me a lot by making things seem better than what I imagine them to be. She’s not afraid to talk openly and tell the truth. I realized I always tell her when I’m sad and I’m afraid that I might be sub consciously using her. I don’t want to use her. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve such a sweet friend. She really is. She and me stuck it out and a friendship just works with her. I like the fact that we don’t talk everyday but we still have a connection. That space is nice. She doesn’t care if we have deep conversations about things. Her perspective is so brilliant. She’s talented, and sensible. She’s lovable and understanding. Its always a good time.

I hope you have someone like this for yourself. She told me that having best friends is good that way “you don’t feel like the whole world is against you”. And god the world does feel like that a lot!

I’m a pusher Cady, I push people

I’m a pusher alright. Saying that makes me think of someone in labor. Anyway does any one else push everyone away? I think that’s why I low-key want to move away all the time, so I can drive a bigger wedge in between me and THEM.

To my friends: I’m not going to invest a lot of anything in you because you probably see me as disposable, and therefore will drop me as soon as you find out that the girl you thought was super cool, is actually super insecure and sad. She’s gonna have a really hard time keeping a connection with you because her anxiety is gonna leave her in a mess of frazzled nerves. Oh, and don’t worry I’ll make sure to put you through “tests” to find out if you will stay because that’s what people love to do in their spare time right?

To any guys/love interests: I’ll be myself for the first few days, mostly because I’m nervous and I cant pretend to be the other Cheiyenne. We will connect well enough , but after a week passes I’m going to start feeling awkward because I won’t know how to be “chill” anymore. I’m gonna obsess over the fact that I’m not the same Cheiyenne you met a week ago and wonder how long you will put up with my insecurities before you bolt. I will also lose faith in myself and assume that you will find someone better, but at the same time hoping you don’t go anywhere.

To my family: Boy, I feel the worst for you guys. You have to live with me and see my erratic mood swings. You get to live with a hermit who will show very little enthusiasm when you come home because I want to “be alone” but really I’m just pushing you away because you care about me. You care enough to ask how I am, and you’re always saying nice things which makes me think that you’re lying. God forbid you hurt my feelings at all because it gives me an excuse to put up a wall. Because being a close knit family feels gross and unrealistic in my head.

To my casual acquaintances: I hope you cash me on a good day because if you don’t I will most likely act brand new. Mostly because I feel weird when I have not seen someone in a while and I don’t feel like entertaining you with the Cheiyenne you’re used to because I’m too depressed on the inside. Also I feel like you don’t like me anyway so whats the point right? lol

To my body: I’m sorry that I intentionally hurt you by eating bad, and keeping you locked away in your room. I’m sorry that I don’t take care of you the way I should. I’m sorry for all the stress and the fact that I don’t let you rest. I’m sorry that I allow people to violate you who have no right to.

Maybe I’ll try a therapist again lol

Celebrate Yo’ Self

I love my hair.

I love the color and texture of it.

The way it curls so beautifully when I twirl it around my fingers.

It is beautiful.

I also love my skin.

I love the rich brown pigment and the subtle yellow undertones.

I love the consistency of it all over my body. it suits me.

I love the shape of my eyes, and the dark brown pupils that reside in them.

I love my body.

I love the shape of it.

I love my breasts.

I love the amount of passion that I can exude whenever I am genuinely excited about something. I love my bubbly personality, it is seriously adorable. I love my ability to think about others and myself. I love my willingness to try again, and again. I love my resilience. I am definitely loving my new skill of directing my thoughts.

Most of all I love to find out that I have always been this thing that I love. All these “new skills” I have, I have always had. I have always been the perfect version of myself and I have no idea what I was worried about.

I love to say that I am insecure about so many things. I love to say that I have made so many mistakes.

So today celebrate yourself.

It’s not selfish or conceited to praise the body that you own or to adore the mind that you have. Even if its the smallest thing, praise yourself. Oh you woke up today? Fabulous! It’s hard to do at first but it gets easier and eventually the only proper way to live life.

Remember there are cultural insecurities too but honestly socialization has nothing to do with your happiness. Life, for me, is about supporting one another regardless of prejudices, skin color, cultural differences, language or anything.