Dexter’s Lab

I love the show Dexter!

Not the throwback of the kid in the laboratory, but the undercover psychopath that kills bad people.

Image result for dexter

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves in life is UNFAIRNESS, I love for things to be fair and square. This is exactly what Dexter does. He gives these bad people what they gave to others. He does things to them that other people wouldn’t have the balls, conscious or stomach for.

And there was a word mentioned on the show, the word Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Image result for what is that?

Naturally, I looked it up and low n’ behold these were traits that an ex I once dated possessed. He told me about his traumatic life and I realized he’s a lot like Dexter. He feels empty, and hes just looking for something to fill the hole.

But…instead of filling his hole with unsightly victims, he tries to fill it with women, and one of those women happened to be me, Victim numberprobably lost count.

Even after I asked him, and questioned him about dating I was convinced that I could let my guard down. My co-workers knew, my friends knew, his ex knew, and when it all crumbled away in just 2 short months I felt excruciating embarrassment. And the worst part was everyone still loved him. They did not have to see the side I saw. To them, he was the sunshine in the fucking sky. He didn’t feel any remorse, no sadness. He even got mad when I wouldn’t treat him like everyone else, and again I got a glimpse of the mean side, that only I got to see.

Eventually he got a new girl and carried on his life like normal. It felt like he was rubbing it in my face. I wanted him to feel the pain I did. But he doesn’t feel emotion or remorse, it doesn’t affect him.

I wish I could be a Dexter, that would set that shit straight. People always get away with hurting others emotionally because there is not consequence, but that shit hurts. Invisible wounds that you are supposed to brush off while the ones who caused those wounds, they get to live out their lives without feeling a thing.

I wanted to stab him in the leg while looking him dead in his eyes. I could watch him curse and scream. 

“There now there’s a hole that REALLY needs to be filled,” I would say,

His eyes might water, and his face would turn red. And he would finally know how it felt. He would finally pay for his crime against me. And every time he looks at his leg there would be a scar to remind him not to use people to fill himself up, like others are concrete. Not to pretend to be something hes not. Not to manipulate and misguide. Not to be a liar. To play FAIR. And when the police would come because he pressed charges I would simply say;

“He cant feel pain on the inside, so he had to feel it on the outside. He uses people and he deserves it.”

The police would agree and the world would be in balance once again.


Anyway who’s side would you be on?


-Dexter for a Day



Monday Morning Blues

No matter how upset I get I have to remember not to hurt myself on purpose. I just want to intentionally screw up things for myself as punishment. I want to take the hurt I feel and use it to hurt myself. I should channel it into something more productive, but right now I just feel so down. Earth can really be hell for me most of the time. I’m getting stretched so much these days, it hurts. Things are so much better when I’m alone, but maybe being alone needs to change. Maybe being alone isn’t as comforting as I think it is. I want to isolate myself when I get hurt, so maybe I should speak up instead. Okay Have a Great Morning!

Dick Size

What do they think?

They is loosely meaning all of us, all those invisible standards we live by that is ingrained within our own cultures. Standards that develop and redevelop all through the years. I saw a commercial talking about dick size and I wondered what if having a big dick was considered un-attractive? What if guys with big dicks got made fun of for that, and any girl that had a man with a big dick is “missing out”. So I thought that it really doesn’t matter whether the quality you like about someone or something, or anything really, is not what is widely accepted. Because somewhere else that quality is the ideal. Ideals change anyway so its kind of dumb to reject things we like for the sake of reality right?

My Starbucks Story

Today I’m sad. When I first moved to Deer Park to live with my grandparents it was hard to find my place in this small town. I was able to enroll myself into school and get myself a job at the Starbucks right up the street from me. I remember I would go up there everyday until the manager finally hired me. I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue a lot at that store, but I also made some very good friends there. The relationships I have with my coworkers are seriously unique to any other place I have ever worked at. Everyone was passionate about Starbucks, wanted to make it better, and I wanted to be apart of that. I quickly built on my skills and poured a lot of my heart into that place. Before I knew it a year and a half had passed and I was still in love with it all. There was a boy that always came to Starbucks, then eventually worked there, and I fell really hard for him. Things were not so pleasant in the end between us, but even after he quit working there he would still come every day. I’ve gotten another job since then that allows me to work at Starbucks on the weekend and after a few months of this I feel like i need to quit. This boy somehow still triggers some part of me every time I see him. He intermingles with all of the coworkers that I have friendships with and still keeps it apart of his life. Starbucks is hard to let go of. Most baristas always say “you’ll be back” after someone quits in an angry rage, but soon enough they come back with an application in hand and the look of remorse smeared across their face. The relationships you can cultivate there, the work family that you have is really special. You suffer together, you laugh together, you complain together, and you celebrate together. I feel like it’s time for me to go. My place in that little family is starting to dissapear, and it brought tears to my eyes to admit that I knew it was my time. I tried to hold on to the little bit that I could, but its time to let it go. I’ll be thankful for the rest that will come my way and that I will not have to see that boy ever again. But I will miss the experience. I was damn good at being a barista too, but I’m not needed there anymore.

Let them be :)

Okay so today I had a HUGE epiphany! There is this guy that I talk to, and I used to get so upset when he would do or say things that I felt weren’t what he was supposed to do. I would correct him on it and what do you know he would go back to doing it again. I have come to terms with my control freakness thank you. Anyways…Naturally I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I figured I would just keep getting my feelings hurt. Fast forward I’m talking with a good girlfriend of mine and she asks about a stuffed animal on my bed. I tell her that the guy had got it for my at Dave and Busters along with something else and you know what she did? She did the “aw thats so sweet” and thats when the feels kicked in. I realized this guy is actually does a lot of sweet things, hes honest, he doesn’t let me push him around and he sees me as a woman, not a child. The things I was upset about were kind of my own fault.


Say whhaaatttt?

They were these weird expectations that I had of him even though we are not dating, we are not in love and we haven’t connected on a deep level yet. No wonder I would be disappointed all the time. It was at that moment that I decided to text him and tell him that I did not want to stop talking to him.Honestly I did not want to stop in the first place. When we started talking I realized how nice it was to just have someone there. I realized that I don’t actually mind the type of relationship we have even though it’s not label-able. I realized that he is who he is and to let him be who he is. I also realized I know him a lot better than I thought I did, and that I actually do like him when I take away the weird expectations I had. Now we talk normally, I don’t feel any pressure and I’m a lot less control freak-y about it. I can CALM THE EFF DOWN, and continue to have fun with this guy.

Kay thats all for now byeeeeeeeee



If the world consited of talking chips instead of people I think I would be the plain chip. The chip that has no salt, chesse, or flavor.  I always try to add a spice maybe some seasoning, but the only problem with that is it never lasts. It always comes off in a few days. Im always super safe I do not cross the line I stand back and draw another one as a warning. Theres no fun in that, I’m no fun. I just know how fragile chips are, and i don’t wanna take any chances whatsoever. Is that anyway to live life? Probably not. Because of this I grew up having NO SOCIAL SKILLS NONE! I feel like I still have a child like perspective on things involving relationships. Help me…..

Happiness is hard

Happiness is hard work man!

You have to learn to isolate your own needs, then hone in on those needs, and finally respect them. I love a clean room, but I have to remeber to respect my needs enough to do it everyday even when I really do not feel like it.

The same dilema occurs with working out, reading, writing, and driving I have to find time to do things that either make me happy, or will lead to happiness. Sometimes things are hard to do, but you keep reminding yourself of how happy you will be later on in life.

It’s true a lot of people find comfort in being miserable, thats why so many of us are depressed and such. Just Do, create, DO, just keep DOing thats the secret. The secret to happiness.