A lil bit of morbid advice that I use on the daily

These days I find myself doing a lot of things because its what I should do. I always get advice from people to “live the way you want” or “just do what makes you happy“, but in my opinion that just sounded like a really bad idea waiting to happen.

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I really WANT to quit my good paying job, skip town and backpack overseas, BUT I probably shouldn’t. I cant help it. I think about finances, where would I live, language barriers, men waiting to take advantage of me, never seeing my family, getting really sick with no health insurance, and the list goes on and on. Its not the fact that i’m scared, its the fact that I am not PREPARED.

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I’m always concerned about not being prepared enough.

I put all my energy into doing things carefully, risk free until i’m am able to take the next step. I will not leave a job if I do not have a back up plan. I will not take a trip to another country without being well funded. It makes life a lot less hectic despite what I WANT to do.

I should also mention that during this time I have completely immersed myself in unsolved murder mysteries. It was unsettling that regular peoples lives were ended in just hours over fights, coincidences or simply being in the wrong place at the right time (for the killer). Drowned, beaten, gunned down, or stabbed, these individuals killers are still on the loose without any justice for the deceased. Through this sad reality I realized something.

No matter how much you prepare, how good of a human being you try to be, or how you live your life, in the end death will come for you. It can be unfair and painful or peaceful and overdue, but it does not matter what kind of person you decided to be. You can do WHATEVER you want, chase WHATEVER far fetched dream you have because when death comes for you it wont matter anymore. 

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After this epiphany I realized that I’m scared to succeed,and I’m scared to chase my dreams because they are challenging. Knowing that death will come no matter what I do makes it easier for me to do things that I’m scared of. Things that I thought were bad, outrageous or unnecessary.


We all go the same way in the end. 

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Therapy Blues

When I first thought about going to therapy I was quite young; young enough for my

mom to dismiss my tiny curiosity.

In my 20th year of life I got the courage (and the insurance) to see a therapist that my aunt recommended. He was a large man with a rumbling voice, which made me a little uncomfortable. It was really awkward for me because he was not someone I knew, nor was he a close friend, so it felt like I was reading a grocery list. I was scared, but I tried my best to say what I felt. After a few sessions, I realized this man would listen to me partly, and soon the topic would be shifted towards himself. I felt like an open wine bottle that got re corked, so I stopped going.

A few months later I began seeing a psychotherapist, and I just knew it would work this time. She was a slender woman with a thick Portuguese accent, and during our sessions a cute Pyrenees dog by the name of max would let me pet him. She introduced me to the concept of CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy, which basically means taking the old thinking patterns in my brain, questioning them and then changing them over a period of time. I liked this idea a lot, but I was quickly turned off when I was advised to buy a book. I tried to keep going but the connection was not there.

The last therapist I saw was this bubbly brunette who kept snacks in her office. She was really sweet, and I really wanted to stick with therapy so I would go on Friday every week. I really thought things would get better, but I still felt the same. I felt like my feelings were so erratic that it was hard to explain, or that she would not understand. In the end I just stopped going.

Price wise all of these sessions ranged from 90 to 20 dollars and a lot of therapists/psychotherapists do not take insurance.  This along with commute times and having to come after work was so draining for me, so I don’t know if i see therapy in my future. I am looking into a pet, possibly a guinea pig or lizard, something small that I can hold and take care of.

In the mean time I have found that working out helps a lot, eating the right food and getting enough alone time to do things that I enjoy.

Did we just become best friends?

So I have a special friend in my life who I know is my best friend. All of my doubts about her are gone and I truly do love her. I can be my insecure self and she accepts it. She helps me a lot by making things seem better than what I imagine them to be. She’s not afraid to talk openly and tell the truth. I realized I always tell her when I’m sad and I’m afraid that I might be sub consciously using her. I don’t want to use her. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve such a sweet friend. She really is. She and me stuck it out and a friendship just works with her. I like the fact that we don’t talk everyday but we still have a connection. That space is nice. She doesn’t care if we have deep conversations about things. Her perspective is so brilliant. She’s talented, and sensible. She’s lovable and understanding. Its always a good time.

I hope you have someone like this for yourself. She told me that having best friends is good that way “you don’t feel like the whole world is against you”. And god the world does feel like that a lot!

I’m a pusher Cady, I push people

I’m a pusher alright. Saying that makes me think of someone in labor. Anyway does any one else push everyone away? I think that’s why I low-key want to move away all the time, so I can drive a bigger wedge in between me and THEM.

To my friends: I’m not going to invest a lot of anything in you because you probably see me as disposable, and therefore will drop me as soon as you find out that the girl you thought was super cool, is actually super insecure and sad. She’s gonna have a really hard time keeping a connection with you because her anxiety is gonna leave her in a mess of frazzled nerves. Oh, and don’t worry I’ll make sure to put you through “tests” to find out if you will stay because that’s what people love to do in their spare time right?

To any guys/love interests: I’ll be myself for the first few days, mostly because I’m nervous and I cant pretend to be the other Cheiyenne. We will connect well enough , but after a week passes I’m going to start feeling awkward because I won’t know how to be “chill” anymore. I’m gonna obsess over the fact that I’m not the same Cheiyenne you met a week ago and wonder how long you will put up with my insecurities before you bolt. I will also lose faith in myself and assume that you will find someone better, but at the same time hoping you don’t go anywhere.

To my family: Boy, I feel the worst for you guys. You have to live with me and see my erratic mood swings. You get to live with a hermit who will show very little enthusiasm when you come home because I want to “be alone” but really I’m just pushing you away because you care about me. You care enough to ask how I am, and you’re always saying nice things which makes me think that you’re lying. God forbid you hurt my feelings at all because it gives me an excuse to put up a wall. Because being a close knit family feels gross and unrealistic in my head.

To my casual acquaintances: I hope you cash me on a good day because if you don’t I will most likely act brand new. Mostly because I feel weird when I have not seen someone in a while and I don’t feel like entertaining you with the Cheiyenne you’re used to because I’m too depressed on the inside. Also I feel like you don’t like me anyway so whats the point right? lol

To my body: I’m sorry that I intentionally hurt you by eating bad, and keeping you locked away in your room. I’m sorry that I don’t take care of you the way I should. I’m sorry for all the stress and the fact that I don’t let you rest. I’m sorry that I allow people to violate you who have no right to.

Maybe I’ll try a therapist again lol