Something needs to change. I keep getting tangled up with shitty people. People that do not fit with me. People who keep me unhappy.
No matter how upset I get I have to remember not to hurt myself on purpose. I just want to intentionally screw up things for myself as punishment. I want to take the hurt I feel and use it to hurt myself. I should channel it into something more productive, but right now I just feel so down. Earth can really be hell for me most of the time. I’m getting stretched so much these days, it hurts. Things are so much better when I’m alone, but maybe being alone needs to change. Maybe being alone isn’t as comforting as I think it is. I want to isolate myself when I get hurt, so maybe I should speak up instead. Okay Have a Great Morning!
I can feel depression sneaking up on me. Like that tickle I get in the back of my throat before a cold, or the slight tinge of humidity before a storm. I felt it today, so hard. I felt all the old useless emotions that I threw into the recycle bin gurgle back up into my brain, and start to embed in the lumpy tissue. I hate how brains seem to never get rid of anything no matter how much time has passed, or how much kpop I’ve busied myself with to forget it. There is always some archeologist in my head that digs, and scraps, and brushes until it finds all those unwanted buried things. Bad habits, horrible feelings, embarrassing moments, heart wrenching memories, even old stories I used to tell yourself, so that I would feel better about what I did or didn’t do. And it’s triggered by the darndest things. A smile, a slick remark, a mean person, a billboard, or when I start over daydreaming ugh. There’s even those days where a hurricane comes pile driving through my soul, and literally wreaks havoc on it. The next day I’m left torn apart, so afraid to mess with the fragile pieces. Sometimes I’m not afraid, and I use delicate hands to heal my spirit. I have long conversations with myself, I write, I sing, I dance, I cry oceans and seas, I recreate who I think I should be. After this I feel alive, and I feel free. I can trust myself completely without question, say all the right things, and make the best choices. Life becomes so very simple. It becomes so happy and peaceful. I can feel my heart turn into a little fluttering bird that flaps excitedly with any hint of joy. I become pure, and I do everything without ill intentions. I just do not know what changes, it seems after only a few blissful days I stumble back into depression. It always gets me over and over again. Whoever is giving depression so many hours needs to stop. Go use your vacation days already. I go through so many metamorphoses, so many transformations. Layers and layers of new ideas and thoughts piled on top of each other. Somehow this always reminds me of chewing gum. Once the current piece gets old I always shove a new stick into my mouth to elongate the flavor. I want that flavor of happiness all the time, and by now it’s just some colorless robust gumball that’s too cumbersome to chew. It’s hard, but I still try to add more things, a red stick, a green stick, a purple stick, mystery flavor
(wth lol). I still keep chewing, and getting small glimpses of that awful cherry bubblegum that I wish I did not taste. Why do I keep chewing? Why do I put my jaws through this? Chewing gum is a bad habit.
If the world consited of talking chips instead of people I think I would be the plain chip. The chip that has no salt, chesse, or flavor. I always try to add a spice maybe some seasoning, but the only problem with that is it never lasts. It always comes off in a few days. Im always super safe I do not cross the line I stand back and draw another one as a warning. Theres no fun in that, I’m no fun. I just know how fragile chips are, and i don’t wanna take any chances whatsoever. Is that anyway to live life? Probably not. Because of this I grew up having NO SOCIAL SKILLS NONE! I feel like I still have a child like perspective on things involving relationships. Help me…..