I’m a pusher Cady, I push people

I’m a pusher alright. Saying that makes me think of someone in labor. Anyway does any one else push everyone away? I think that’s why I low-key want to move away all the time, so I can drive a bigger wedge in between me and THEM.

To my friends: I’m not going to invest a lot of anything in you because you probably see me as disposable, and therefore will drop me as soon as you find out that the girl you thought was super cool, is actually super insecure and sad. She’s gonna have a really hard time keeping a connection with you because her anxiety is gonna leave her in a mess of frazzled nerves. Oh, and don’t worry I’ll make sure to put you through “tests” to find out if you will stay because that’s what people love to do in their spare time right?

To any guys/love interests: I’ll be myself for the first few days, mostly because I’m nervous and I cant pretend to be the other Cheiyenne. We will connect well enough , but after a week passes I’m going to start feeling awkward because I won’t know how to be “chill” anymore. I’m gonna obsess over the fact that I’m not the same Cheiyenne you met a week ago and wonder how long you will put up with my insecurities before you bolt. I will also lose faith in myself and assume that you will find someone better, but at the same time hoping you don’t go anywhere.

To my family: Boy, I feel the worst for you guys. You have to live with me and see my erratic mood swings. You get to live with a hermit who will show very little enthusiasm when you come home because I want to “be alone” but really I’m just pushing you away because you care about me. You care enough to ask how I am, and you’re always saying nice things which makes me think that you’re lying. God forbid you hurt my feelings at all because it gives me an excuse to put up a wall. Because being a close knit family feels gross and unrealistic in my head.

To my casual acquaintances: I hope you cash me on a good day because if you don’t I will most likely act brand new. Mostly because I feel weird when I have not seen someone in a while and I don’t feel like entertaining you with the Cheiyenne you’re used to because I’m too depressed on the inside. Also I feel like you don’t like me anyway so whats the point right? lol

To my body: I’m sorry that I intentionally hurt you by eating bad, and keeping you locked away in your room. I’m sorry that I don’t take care of you the way I should. I’m sorry for all the stress and the fact that I don’t let you rest. I’m sorry that I allow people to violate you who have no right to.

Maybe I’ll try a therapist again lol

Monday Morning Blues

No matter how upset I get I have to remember not to hurt myself on purpose. I just want to intentionally screw up things for myself as punishment. I want to take the hurt I feel and use it to hurt myself. I should channel it into something more productive, but right now I just feel so down. Earth can really be hell for me most of the time. I’m getting stretched so much these days, it hurts. Things are so much better when I’m alone, but maybe being alone needs to change. Maybe being alone isn’t as comforting as I think it is. I want to isolate myself when I get hurt, so maybe I should speak up instead. Okay Have a Great Morning!

Dick Size

What do they think?

They is loosely meaning all of us, all those invisible standards we live by that is ingrained within our own cultures. Standards that develop and redevelop all through the years. I saw a commercial talking about dick size and I wondered what if having a big dick was considered un-attractive? What if guys with big dicks got made fun of for that, and any girl that had a man with a big dick is “missing out”. So I thought that it really doesn’t matter whether the quality you like about someone or something, or anything really, is not what is widely accepted. Because somewhere else that quality is the ideal. Ideals change anyway so its kind of dumb to reject things we like for the sake of reality right?

My Starbucks Story

Today I’m sad. When I first moved to Deer Park to live with my grandparents it was hard to find my place in this small town. I was able to enroll myself into school and get myself a job at the Starbucks right up the street from me. I remember I would go up there everyday until the manager finally hired me. I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue a lot at that store, but I also made some very good friends there. The relationships I have with my coworkers are seriously unique to any other place I have ever worked at. Everyone was passionate about Starbucks, wanted to make it better, and I wanted to be apart of that. I quickly built on my skills and poured a lot of my heart into that place. Before I knew it a year and a half had passed and I was still in love with it all. There was a boy that always came to Starbucks, then eventually worked there, and I fell really hard for him. Things were not so pleasant in the end between us, but even after he quit working there he would still come every day. I’ve gotten another job since then that allows me to work at Starbucks on the weekend and after a few months of this I feel like i need to quit. This boy somehow still triggers some part of me every time I see him. He intermingles with all of the coworkers that I have friendships with and still keeps it apart of his life. Starbucks is hard to let go of. Most baristas always say “you’ll be back” after someone quits in an angry rage, but soon enough they come back with an application in hand and the look of remorse smeared across their face. The relationships you can cultivate there, the work family that you have is really special. You suffer together, you laugh together, you complain together, and you celebrate together. I feel like it’s time for me to go. My place in that little family is starting to dissapear, and it brought tears to my eyes to admit that I knew it was my time. I tried to hold on to the little bit that I could, but its time to let it go. I’ll be thankful for the rest that will come my way and that I will not have to see that boy ever again. But I will miss the experience. I was damn good at being a barista too, but I’m not needed there anymore.

You’re not getting a reaction from me.

Whenever you come across difficult people try to remember that their emotions are not yours and you DO NOT owe them any reaction. Most difficult people want one and in this life it’s not going to come from you. Protect yourself fiercely from anyone that threatens your personal sphere, and use that opportunity to practice the fine art of not giving a fuck.

Let them be :)

Okay so today I had a HUGE epiphany! There is this guy that I talk to, and I used to get so upset when he would do or say things that I felt weren’t what he was supposed to do. I would correct him on it and what do you know he would go back to doing it again. I have come to terms with my control freakness thank you. Anyways…Naturally I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I figured I would just keep getting my feelings hurt. Fast forward I’m talking with a good girlfriend of mine and she asks about a stuffed animal on my bed. I tell her that the guy had got it for my at Dave and Busters along with something else and you know what she did? She did the “aw thats so sweet” and thats when the feels kicked in. I realized this guy is actually does a lot of sweet things, hes honest, he doesn’t let me push him around and he sees me as a woman, not a child. The things I was upset about were kind of my own fault.

josie

Say whhaaatttt?

They were these weird expectations that I had of him even though we are not dating, we are not in love and we haven’t connected on a deep level yet. No wonder I would be disappointed all the time. It was at that moment that I decided to text him and tell him that I did not want to stop talking to him.Honestly I did not want to stop in the first place. When we started talking I realized how nice it was to just have someone there. I realized that I don’t actually mind the type of relationship we have even though it’s not label-able. I realized that he is who he is and to let him be who he is. I also realized I know him a lot better than I thought I did, and that I actually do like him when I take away the weird expectations I had. Now we talk normally, I don’t feel any pressure and I’m a lot less control freak-y about it. I can CALM THE EFF DOWN, and continue to have fun with this guy.

Kay thats all for now byeeeeeeeee

-Cheiyenne