Kill me now, release me now, take me to the king.
It never works for me to be sad. I always end up having to claw my way out of that dark ass hole, and that shit takes forever! I love being sad though, it’s all I know.
*hello darkness my old friend*
I go to this hole whenever something is off, my sleep, my relationships, my eating habits anything but my biggest one is stress. If I get stressed, I get depressed.
It sucks because my body is sensitive to everything, so if one thing is off balance, my stress levels start rising. Keeping my stress in check is a huge mega deal for me, but it IS a full time job.
On top of my actual job, and I’m starting school soon, please send prayers your girl needs it!
So I have a special friend in my life who I know is my best friend. All of my doubts about her are gone and I truly do love her. I can be my insecure self and she accepts it. She helps me a lot by making things seem better than what I imagine them to be. She’s not afraid to talk openly and tell the truth. I realized I always tell her when I’m sad and I’m afraid that I might be sub consciously using her. I don’t want to use her. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve such a sweet friend. She really is. She and me stuck it out and a friendship just works with her. I like the fact that we don’t talk everyday but we still have a connection. That space is nice. She doesn’t care if we have deep conversations about things. Her perspective is so brilliant. She’s talented, and sensible. She’s lovable and understanding. Its always a good time.
I hope you have someone like this for yourself. She told me that having best friends is good that way “you don’t feel like the whole world is against you”. And god the world does feel like that a lot!
I’m a pusher alright. Saying that makes me think of someone in labor. Anyway does any one else push everyone away? I think that’s why I low-key want to move away all the time, so I can drive a bigger wedge in between me and THEM.
To my friends: I’m not going to invest a lot of anything in you because you probably see me as disposable, and therefore will drop me as soon as you find out that the girl you thought was super cool, is actually super insecure and sad. She’s gonna have a really hard time keeping a connection with you because her anxiety is gonna leave her in a mess of frazzled nerves. Oh, and don’t worry I’ll make sure to put you through “tests” to find out if you will stay because that’s what people love to do in their spare time right?
To any guys/love interests: I’ll be myself for the first few days, mostly because I’m nervous and I cant pretend to be the other Cheiyenne. We will connect well enough , but after a week passes I’m going to start feeling awkward because I won’t know how to be “chill” anymore. I’m gonna obsess over the fact that I’m not the same Cheiyenne you met a week ago and wonder how long you will put up with my insecurities before you bolt. I will also lose faith in myself and assume that you will find someone better, but at the same time hoping you don’t go anywhere.
To my family: Boy, I feel the worst for you guys. You have to live with me and see my erratic mood swings. You get to live with a hermit who will show very little enthusiasm when you come home because I want to “be alone” but really I’m just pushing you away because you care about me. You care enough to ask how I am, and you’re always saying nice things which makes me think that you’re lying. God forbid you hurt my feelings at all because it gives me an excuse to put up a wall. Because being a close knit family feels gross and unrealistic in my head.
To my casual acquaintances: I hope you cash me on a good day because if you don’t I will most likely act brand new. Mostly because I feel weird when I have not seen someone in a while and I don’t feel like entertaining you with the Cheiyenne you’re used to because I’m too depressed on the inside. Also I feel like you don’t like me anyway so whats the point right? lol
To my body: I’m sorry that I intentionally hurt you by eating bad, and keeping you locked away in your room. I’m sorry that I don’t take care of you the way I should. I’m sorry for all the stress and the fact that I don’t let you rest. I’m sorry that I allow people to violate you who have no right to.
Maybe I’ll try a therapist again lol
Something needs to change. I keep getting tangled up with shitty people. People that do not fit with me. People who keep me unhappy.
No matter how upset I get I have to remember not to hurt myself on purpose. I just want to intentionally screw up things for myself as punishment. I want to take the hurt I feel and use it to hurt myself. I should channel it into something more productive, but right now I just feel so down. Earth can really be hell for me most of the time. I’m getting stretched so much these days, it hurts. Things are so much better when I’m alone, but maybe being alone needs to change. Maybe being alone isn’t as comforting as I think it is. I want to isolate myself when I get hurt, so maybe I should speak up instead. Okay Have a Great Morning!
Do I dream in color? I thought about this and realized that maybe there is no color…Maybe the plane of my sub conscious goes beyond color. I always assume that my dreams are in color, but then again I can not vividly remember any color being present. I just experienced something, and color had no significance to me at the time. I do not believe the sub conscious needs color. I think that I go into a dream state and I am apart of that state of being. Color is not something I notice. I am so used to seeing it that I assume it must be there.