Happy Pills?

A  couple months ago I got really sick of being depressed, and I wanted to do something about it. So I did the thing I was always scared to do, I set up an appointment with a psychologist oops I mean a psychiatrist. I get those two guys confused, but the latter can prescribe medication. I had been in therapy for quite some time [I’ll post more about that experience in another post], but I didn’t get any fulfillment from it. The psychiatrist listened to a summary of all of my reoccurring issues, typed on her computer and told me that I have major depressive disorder along with anxiety. I cried when she told me that because I had always knew this, but to hear it from someone else was a mixture of reality and relief. She wrote me a prescription and she told me three things: first, this was not my fault nor am I a bad person, secondly it is a curable disease that can take up to 2 years to cure, lastly it is a trial and error with these medications, so if one doesn’t work I will have to try a different kind.

I was also told that these medications take up to two weeks before they actually start to work. I wasn’t prepared for the first week. I felt a lot of energy, as if i was on adderal, and I was more keen to have conversations with people. The only drawback would be the nacreous feeling it gave me and the small crash i felt after the high. I hated it even more when I realized that drinking, smoking weed and anti depressants DO NOT go hand in hand. I couldn’t hardly finish one drink and the down afterwards would be magnified by 100. After smoking I felt like a different person and I wanted to throw my pills away, or my heart would race so fast. I had to change my lifestyle completely and after a while I gave them up. During this time Hurricane Harvey hit Houston and I couldn’t get a hold of a doctor for weeks so I took the last few pills I had and jumped back on the drinking/smoking train to ease any drawbacks I might feel.

Seven months later. and I’m starting to feel the effects of the depression, drinking and smoking. Its severing my relationships with others and most importantly myself. I scheduled an appointment with another psychiatrist to start the happy pills again, and this time I’ll do it right



I’m a pusher Cady, I push people

I’m a pusher alright. Saying that makes me think of someone in labor. Anyway does any one else push everyone away? I think that’s why I low-key want to move away all the time, so I can drive a bigger wedge in between me and THEM.

To my friends: I’m not going to invest a lot of anything in you because you probably see me as disposable, and therefore will drop me as soon as you find out that the girl you thought was super cool, is actually super insecure and sad. She’s gonna have a really hard time keeping a connection with you because her anxiety is gonna leave her in a mess of frazzled nerves. Oh, and don’t worry I’ll make sure to put you through “tests” to find out if you will stay because that’s what people love to do in their spare time right?

To any guys/love interests: I’ll be myself for the first few days, mostly because I’m nervous and I cant pretend to be the other Cheiyenne. We will connect well enough , but after a week passes I’m going to start feeling awkward because I won’t know how to be “chill” anymore. I’m gonna obsess over the fact that I’m not the same Cheiyenne you met a week ago and wonder how long you will put up with my insecurities before you bolt. I will also lose faith in myself and assume that you will find someone better, but at the same time hoping you don’t go anywhere.

To my family: Boy, I feel the worst for you guys. You have to live with me and see my erratic mood swings. You get to live with a hermit who will show very little enthusiasm when you come home because I want to “be alone” but really I’m just pushing you away because you care about me. You care enough to ask how I am, and you’re always saying nice things which makes me think that you’re lying. God forbid you hurt my feelings at all because it gives me an excuse to put up a wall. Because being a close knit family feels gross and unrealistic in my head.

To my casual acquaintances: I hope you cash me on a good day because if you don’t I will most likely act brand new. Mostly because I feel weird when I have not seen someone in a while and I don’t feel like entertaining you with the Cheiyenne you’re used to because I’m too depressed on the inside. Also I feel like you don’t like me anyway so whats the point right? lol

To my body: I’m sorry that I intentionally hurt you by eating bad, and keeping you locked away in your room. I’m sorry that I don’t take care of you the way I should. I’m sorry for all the stress and the fact that I don’t let you rest. I’m sorry that I allow people to violate you who have no right to.

Maybe I’ll try a therapist again lol