A lil bit of morbid advice that I use on the daily

These days I find myself doing a lot of things because its what I should do. I always get advice from people to “live the way you want” or “just do what makes you happy“, but in my opinion that just sounded like a really bad idea waiting to happen.

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I really WANT to quit my good paying job, skip town and backpack overseas, BUT I probably shouldn’t. I cant help it. I think about finances, where would I live, language barriers, men waiting to take advantage of me, never seeing my family, getting really sick with no health insurance, and the list goes on and on. Its not the fact that i’m scared, its the fact that I am not PREPARED.

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I’m always concerned about not being prepared enough.

I put all my energy into doing things carefully, risk free until i’m am able to take the next step. I will not leave a job if I do not have a back up plan. I will not take a trip to another country without being well funded. It makes life a lot less hectic despite what I WANT to do.

I should also mention that during this time I have completely immersed myself in unsolved murder mysteries. It was unsettling that regular peoples lives were ended in just hours over fights, coincidences or simply being in the wrong place at the right time (for the killer). Drowned, beaten, gunned down, or stabbed, these individuals killers are still on the loose without any justice for the deceased. Through this sad reality I realized something.

No matter how much you prepare, how good of a human being you try to be, or how you live your life, in the end death will come for you. It can be unfair and painful or peaceful and overdue, but it does not matter what kind of person you decided to be. You can do WHATEVER you want, chase WHATEVER far fetched dream you have because when death comes for you it wont matter anymore. 

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After this epiphany I realized that I’m scared to succeed,and I’m scared to chase my dreams because they are challenging. Knowing that death will come no matter what I do makes it easier for me to do things that I’m scared of. Things that I thought were bad, outrageous or unnecessary.


We all go the same way in the end. 

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Monday Morning Blues

No matter how upset I get I have to remember not to hurt myself on purpose. I just want to intentionally screw up things for myself as punishment. I want to take the hurt I feel and use it to hurt myself. I should channel it into something more productive, but right now I just feel so down. Earth can really be hell for me most of the time. I’m getting stretched so much these days, it hurts. Things are so much better when I’m alone, but maybe being alone needs to change. Maybe being alone isn’t as comforting as I think it is. I want to isolate myself when I get hurt, so maybe I should speak up instead. Okay Have a Great Morning!